CATS on Jerry Springer
by Trinity Destler
Summary: Look at the title, 'nuff said. Whatever insanity ensues is entirely the fault of coffee, the Cats video and Jacob Brent
1. Default Chapter

CATS on Jerry Springer

Yes I realize this is unoriginal, I just felt like it okay!

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The camera pans over and excited audience full of extremely fat women and trailer trash. Jerry enters; crowd chants.

Jerry: Okay we have a great show for you today, featuring Jellicles that all live in the same neighborhood! Our first guest is a tom who likes to call himself, Rum Tum Tugger!

Tugger: **struts out with paws in the air making goofy faces, winks at some queens in the audience**

Queens in the audience: **are unimpressed**

Tugger: **looks miffed**

Jerry: Hello and welcome to you Tugger, why are you here today?

Tugger: Well I used to be the real tom about the Junkyard if you know what I mean, a real ladies cat. Lately though all the queens have been chasing after my best friend, and he doesn't even encourage them! He actually tries to get them to stop!

Jerry: So you're upset with your friend?

Tugger: Well yeah a little. Cripes, if you go from top tom to nobody gives a damn if you shave your head and turn gay then you've kinda got a right to be sorta….

Jerry: Crestfallen?

Tugger: Yeah! Crestferlling!

Jerry: Well ladies I think you should prepare yourself for Tuggers' best friend: Mistoffelees!

Misto: **walks down with grace and dignity**

Queens: **screech**

Misto: **glances at them and smiles shyly**

Queens: **swoon**

Jerry: Hi there Mistoffelees.

Misto: **shakes his hand and bows curtly**

Jerry: First time I've had someone with manners on this show…Ahem, now Mistoffelees do you know why you're here?

Misto: No, actually I don't. **Looks nervously from Tugger to Jerry** I've only seen this show once, this isn't about Vici, is it, Tugger?

Tugger: **grinds teeth** Nope, not Vici in particular.

Misto: **is now really worried** Who then? …My mother?

Tugger: MISTO!

Misto: **breaths sigh of relief**

Jerry: Mistoffelees. I'll tell you why you're here; you're here because Tugger feels that you've taken all the attention.

Misto: Attention…? I'm afraid I don't-

Jerry: Female attention.

Misto: Excuse me?

Tugger: Dude all the queens were falling all over me and now, nothing, man I couldn't get laid if I felt like it! 

Misto: Tugger, uh, all the _kittens _were falling all over you… **pauses trying to be gentle** The queens rather think you're… 

Queen in audience: A brainless, spineless goon?

Misto: Well no, I'm sure they don't think _that._

Tugger: Misto, what are you saying to me buddy?

Misto: Uh, the kittens have… well they've grown up Tugger.

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Crowd cheers Misto

Tugger: are you saying only the kittens could like me? I'm the Rum Tum frickin Tugger Misto! I am a sex GOD!

Misto: Tugger I'm sure that's true-

Tugger: Don't believe me huh magic boy? **Starts to get up**

Misto: **raising paws in front of face for protection,** I believe you Tugger! I believe you!

Jerry: Well Tugger what do you want to say to Misto?

Tugger: Man you are taking all the chicks!

Misto: **eyes widen** What?

Tugger: Queens, kittens if it's female and feline it's hanging onto your tail drooling itself silly!

Misto: **eyes become wider** WHAT?

Tugger: Every queen that comes falls for you and falls HARD. You're a desirable sex object and the queens are going ape-shit for you!

Misto: …No, uh…No. 

Tugger: Queens of the audience tell the guy!

Queens: **scream out vulgar comments, someone flashes camera**

Misto: **blushes and averts eyes**

Jerry: Tugger has requested a special guest or two, so come on out mystery guest number one!

Victoria: **Walks in and waves to audience**

Toms in audience: **whistle**

Misto: (notoriously polite) **stands to greet Vici, glares menacingly at toms in the audience**

Toms: **gulp, shut up**

Misto: **smiles** Hello sweet. **Takes Vici's paws, kisses her cheek briefly**

Vici: **smirks at queens in audience**

Jerry: So Victoria, you are Mistoffelees' …**checks queue-card**…life-mate?

Vici: That's right.

Queens in audience: **scowl at Victoria**

Jerry: Tugger, why did you ask Victoria to come on the show?

Tugger: To tell Misto that what I'm saying is true.

Jerry: Victoria?

Vici: Misto, Tug's right, I have to beat them off with a stick when you're not looking.

Misto: **stares at her** Really? **She nods** I thought was just a baby-faced runt…

Vici: **smirks, looks at queens** Runt: is one thing you are not hun. 

Misto: **blushes severely** Vici!

Vici: I can't really blame them though; you're hot stuff.

Misto: VICI! 

Jerry: Do we need our other mystery guests Tugger?

Tugger: Damn straight!

Electra: **walks in making freaky faces and pumping paws in the air** HIYA! 

Audience: **sighs heavily**

Electra: **struts up to Misto in a crowning achievement of female Tuggerness** Hi **voice has dropped an octave, leans down and captures Misto's head, smooches him passionately**

Misto: **zaps her **SWEET BAST GET OFF ME!!!!!

Electra: Well don't be touchy about it. **Grumble**

Tugger: **is staring at Electra in disbelief** Dude…

Vici: **glaring at Electra in pure outrage **How dare you.

Electra: **indifferent **It's nothing that hasn't happened before whitey, right Misto sweety-poo?

Misto: **Regards her in utter disgust **

Vici: NOW YOU DIE! **Stands and raises chair over her head**

Electra: EEP! **Makes mad dash for the door**

Misto: Presto!

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All the doors lock

Misto: **whistles innocently**

Vici: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Electra: HELP!

Tugger: **laughing hysterically** Good one buddy!

Misto: **shakes head **I can't it's too cruel. Presto!

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Electra is suddenly inside a protective steel cage.

Vici: **smashes chair into a zillion pieces on the cage** I'll GET you my UGLY and your little tail too!

Jerry: I think the original intentions of this show have been lost.

Misto: **glancing warily at Vici **It may be preferable to forsake the effort and cut your losses. 

Jerry: Nah, I'm used to it; it makes for good t.v.

Misto: **stares at him **This is good TV? **Sticks out tongue as though ill **Ugh.

Tugger: Well I feel gypped, this is supposed to be about ME.

Misto: Oh sod off Tugger.

IS THIS THE END? YOU DECIDE! REPLY, REPLY!!!!!! 


	2. We return to the show after a rather dis...

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We return to the show after a rather disturbing advertisement for baked beans in a light tarter sauce. Victoria is being restrained by pulsating bands of blue lightning, put in place by her mate after she somehow managed to bend the steel bars of Electra's protective cage.

Jerry: Now it's time for our next guest, **looks heavenward as though praying for a change in the typical nature of his guests **Bombalurina! 

Bomba: **swaggers down rather sexily **Hi. **Waves coyly to the Toms in the audience.**

Toms: **grin like idiots**

Jerry: So Bomba, why do you feel you need to humiliate yourself on national television?

Bomba: I want to tell a shy old friend of mine something about her mate… and I.

Jerry: Ooo, really? We'd better bring out your friend! Greet Jemima!

Jemima: **ascends cutely somehow**

Jerry: Hello Jemima.

Jemi: **bats eyelashes endearingly **Hello Mr. Springer, sir… Bomba.

Bomba: Hi Jemi.

Jerry: Well Bomba, fess up.

Bomba: Jemi baby, I've got something to tell you, something to do with the Tom you love.

Jemi: Mis- Tugger? What…?

Bomba: **forcing herself to ignore the slip **Before you guys were lifebonded, Tugs and I were a bit of an item…

Audience: Before! **Whines **Borrrrriinnnngggg.

Bomba: And we did some crazy things… And I want you to know that **unconvincing sob **Macavity is our fiendish love child, the product of one too many passes of the catnip. **Dabs at eyes with conveniently placed tissue.**

Jemi: **Stares at her, just stares**

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Uneasy tension mounts as the minutes tick past.

Jerry: **Quick intake of breath **And here's Jemima's mate!

Tugger: **entering in an errie exact replica of the first time.**

Audience: **groans **Not that idiot again! Geez! **Boos Tugger**

Tugger: **mutters incoherently about how much his life sucks, brightens seeing Jemima **Hey Jem! 

Jemi: **stands up slowly not looking at him, walks over to him not looking at him, looks at him, smacks him. **

Tugger: Ooowww hheeeyyyyy!

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Jemi: **beats on his chest **You lying, sniveling, twisted little Macavity-maker! **Suddenly bursts into tears and sobs into his chest**

Tugger: Uh…huh?

Bomba: **tries desperately to restrain a giggle, fails, guffaws uncontrollably**

Tugger: **suspicious **Bomba, why is Jemi crying?

Bomba: **snort **She **snort **thinks that-BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHA-ha! **Wipes tears from eyes **Giggle, she thinks that **laughs hysterically**

Jemi: I'm getting the vague impression I've just been had…

Bomba: Sorry baby, I wanted to be on telly, hi mum!

Jemi: You…WHAT?!

Bomba: It was all in fu…n, you're uh, turning a queer colour there Jemi. Uh…MISTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Misto: I refuse to get involved.

Bomba: **dashing for cover behind Tugger **SHE'S GONNA EAT ME MISTO!

Misto: **tries not to laugh at the infamous legs-for-miles Bomba running from tiny little Jemi**

Bomba: PLEASE! **Dodges claws**

Misto: **turning to Jerry,** I'm noticing a trend in how these things end up… Is it me?

Jerry: Nope. Happens every time.

Misto: Ah.

Jemi: **has Bomba in neck-hold-of-death **Say it!

Bomba: I am slime! I'm a lying whore!

Jemi: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Misto: **frowns at them **Presto!

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Both queens have disappeared.

Misto: **grins in satisfaction as the pair re-enters talking amiably**

Jerry: Moving on… We have another guest! His name is-

Tugger: Ahem.

Jerry: **glares at Tugger **Tumblebrutus.

Tugger: **snaps fingers in disappointment **Darn.

Tumble: **does front roll down the ramp onto the set **

Jerry: Tumble. 

Tumble: Jerry.

Jerry: Tell us why you're here Tumbles.

Tumble: I am very upset with my mother… For constantly accusing me of harboring homosexual desires.

Crowd: **gasp intrigued, are finally interested**

Jerry: You know…it's okay to be a little confused about your-

Tumble: I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL! BAST CURSE MY STUPID STINKY MOTHER FOR PUTTING ME ON TV AND- **Pants …**I realize that you're all going to think I'm just in denial, I am not nor have I ever been. I am just straight and that's all there is to it. Not that I'm saying being otherwise is bad…I uh…

Jerry: Okay, okay. You didn't know this Tumble, but we had your mother in a back room listening to everything you've said.

Tumbles: … ……

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Monitor is turned on behind them, which is supposed to show the room where Jellylorum is…But it doesn't. Instead we see Misto and Vici kissing frantically with a sort of hunger about them, the monitor is quickly turned off.

Jerry: That is…OBVIOUSLY the wrong camera **glares menacingly at camera operator switchboard dude. **So… Help me out here, anybody? 

HELP JERRY! REVIEW!!!!

If I have something wrong with the layout of the show I'm sorry… I have never actually watched it… I tried to today for the benefit of this fic…But I couldn't stand it, my brain was trying to escape. 


	3. Alrighty

Alrighty! The insanity continues due to popular demand! I would like to warn everyone that I am in an extremely evil mood right now due to a complication with the dreaded school and an idiot of mine. I will also take this opportunity to apologize to Munkustrap, I don't know what's going to happen to him but I have a feeling he won't like it.

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Having flashed to a commercial that appears to have been concocted by rabid baboons that were given four gallons of coffee, the guests and host of the show have had some time to compose themselves.

Camera pans over the audience, which is composed of shrieking women and men making odd gestures.

Disembodied Announcer Voice: Have you ever raped your son's pet monkey? If so, _you_ could be a guest. 

Jerry: Welcome back everyone, we all remember our previous guests,

Tugger: **pumps fists in the air**

Misto/Vici: **Look way beyond embarrassed.**

Jemima: **Being carefully watched by Steve the security dude.**

Bomba: **flinching and casting fearful glances at Jemi.**

Tumbles: **muttering to himself.**

Jellylorum: **Trying to coax Tumble into admitting he's a tom who likes toms.**

Jerry: **muttering under breath **Who could forget…Now we welcome, Munkustrap, the head honcho's second in command.

Munkustrap: **walking down indignantly as though it were degrading to him to be seen in the building.**

Jerry: Hel- **Stops as he is being stared down by Munku.**

Munku: **looks down his nose at Jerry as though he were an insect.**

Jerry: Well…What's your problem?

Munku: My mate forced me to come here, don't push your luck.

Jerry: You watch your ass; I got Steve and that magical dude on my side.

Munku: He's on my side now; I'm his bond-mate's father.

Jerry: Ah BEEP. Wow, this is the first "expletive deleted" we've had…. Damn, that's gotta be a record…

Munku: Just read the stupid cue card.

Jerry: Someone's got a stick up their ass… It seems your mate: Demeter wants to tell you something important about her past.

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The Audience Threatens to riot due to the lack of violence.

Munku: **sits down and crosses arms **Harrumph.

Jerry: Demeter come on down!

Demeter: **Walks down in normal manner, sees someone with messy hair in audience and jumps into crouching position on railing. Is coaxed down, completes the perilous journey to her seat.**

Jerry: So Demeter, I understand that you have something to tell your mate.

Demeter: That's uh **looks around nervously **r-r-r-ri-ight.

Jerry: Well, there he is **gestures to Munku.**

Demeter: Munku hunny, I uh…

Jerry: It's all right.

Demeter: JemimaismykittenbyMacavity **gasp **

Munku: Uh…Excuse me for just one moment. **Gets up and walks into one of the sound booths, is seen ripping his hair out and kicking the wall and yelling through the little window.**

Jerry: Well that's a new one…

Vici: Daddy?

Munku: **Opens the door, takes a step out, turns crimson, and goes back in.**

Demeter: Oh dear…

Misto: He has very refined self-control hasn't he?

Vici: It comes from years of practice.

Misto: **raises eyebrow**

Vici: You've met my sister.

Misto: **Nods in sudden understanding.**

Demeter: Should I go talk to him?

Misto: I cannot commend the wisdom of that plan, but it's your life.

Demeter: Uh… **Sees Misto's point as a large object is hurled against the window of Munku's room and the impact resounds through the set.**

Jerry: **At a loss. **And we'll take a break.

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Ad comes on:

Old Balding Guy: Do you feel that your spouse no longer finds you attractive?

Extremely Fat Woman: Is your physical presentation of self less than alluring?

Hunk: Then get off your fat ass and do something with your life you slob!

Disembodied Voice: A message from concerned healthy people's advertisers.

We return to the set after only one commercial because this is fanfic and I can do whatever the bloody hell I want Bwahahahahahahaha! 

Announcer: Are you a pregnant transsexual groupie? If you are, you could be a guest.

T-t-t-t-thhat's all folks! For now anyway… This will be updated on a tight schedule of approximately "whenever I feel like it" reviews may or may not have something to due with this. Hint hint. 


	4. Again with the Jerry Springer thing

Again with the Jerry Springer thing…

A/N many belated thanks to Elspeth for telling me about Steve the security dude. Umm, this story has a direct link to how evil I'm feeling and reviews! Muhahahaha! Not to say I won't write more without reviews, but they help. Oh yes, there's a lesson to be learned from the last chapter, tell me who you want to see tortured next! Ask and yea shall receive, remain silent and yea shall get no pie.

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Once again, we're here with the show, and everyone in the audience is questioning their self-worth, it being Jerry Springer and all. This isn't where I'd thought I'd be at this age!

Misto is physically restraining Munkustrap, Vici is fretting, Tugger thinks it's all hilarious, Demeter looks ready to cry and Tumble seems prepared to bite off his own tail to get away from his mother.

Jerry: Here we are…_again. _**Heavy sigh** Our new guests are some lesser-known cats with some serious attitude. **Makes face at his cue card.** Who writes this crap?

Steve: HEY! I do!

Jerry: Oh and it's so wonderful too.

Misto: **grunting as he's got his hands full keeping Munku from killing someone** Shouldn't you finish with Munkustrap before you bring some other poor soul into this atrocity that you claim is entertainment?

Jerry: Huh? Oh yeah, I skipped a card, my bad, thanks…uh, magic dude.

Misto: **turning to Steve.** Has he been drinking during the commercials?

Steve: **shrugs.** Maybe it's finally getting to him, it's a miracle he's lasted this long.

Jerry: So Munk-tarps, how does this news make you feel?

Munku: **froths at the mouth**

Jerry: Hmmm, that's very interesting…Is it what you expected?

Munku: **Growls, tries to claw at him around Misto**

Misto: I apologize; I shouldn't have interfered…

Steve: Don't worry buddy, it's a lesson we all learn.

Misto: Not that I _wanted_ to. 

Steve: It's a living. Plus, I'm on t.v.

Misto: **shakes head** Humans…

Jerry: Well…I'm lost.

Prompter: New guests.

Jerry: Ah! …Name?

Electra: The naming of Cats is a difficult matter…

Misto: Oh for the love of Bast! **Kicks Electra because that's his only free limb**

Jerry: Riiiiiggghhhhtttttt.

Prompter: Singing in the rain, just…Uh, Asparagus.

Jerry: Okay; now we're getting somewhere! Asparagus wherever you are, you're on!

Asparagus: **Walks out of the audience pulling cigarettes out of his fur and making a face** Belch…I mean, hello.

Tugger: What are you, Hungarian?

Asparagus: No, I…never mind, shut up Tugger.

Tugger: Jemi, he's being mean to me!

Jemi: You just be mean right back.

Tugger: But…

Jemi: He won't beat you up again, Munku told him not to.

Tugger: Uh Jemi…Munku's kinda incapacitated right now.

Jemi: Wow, how long have you known that word?

Tugger: **Points** Misto said it just now, was it good?

Jemi: **Rubs head** Wonderful. **Drips with sarcasm**

Asparagus: Hey, Jelly what are you doing here?

Jelly: Uh…

Tumble: She's telling everyone I'm a poof daddy! **Whining**

Asparagus: Not again Jelly! Just because he's slight effeminate doesn't mean he can't like queens!

Jelly: I only wanted to help.

Asparagus: **Sigh**

Tumble: Mum, I want to tell you something.

Jerry: Uh, I don't think so friend. This is my show only people who I say can tell their family disturbing news on national television.

Tumble: Oh piss off, mum, I'm getting lifebonded to Cassandra.

Jelly: WHAT!

Tumble: Hah! Not so gay now huh!

Steve: Well any idiot can see she's not happy.

Tumble: I was using the word improperly.

Steve: Well don't.

Tumble: Fine, you be that way. 

Jelly: **Makes odd gurgling noises** When did this happen?

Tumble: It's gone on for years. **Crosses arms smugly**

Plato: **Takes flying leap out of the audience**. Noooooooooooooooo! **Meets the floor with a sickening thud, gets up, runs over.** Tumble I love you!

Tumble: No you don't. **As if talking to a moron.**

Plato: I don't?

Tumble: No. **Turns to camera**. You see kids, catnip is a bad, bad thing and you should never take it **leans in** when you're parents are around.

Jelly: I'm going to need a minute before I can yell at you for that.

Tumble: Sure, take your time.

Plato: **Falls into Misto and Munku.** Hey Misto, **pupils dilate** you're pwetty. 

Misto: **Looks ill** Vici! Help!

Vici: I'm not going _near_ him.

Misto: Vici! He's coming near me! And I don't like the look on his face! 

Vici: **Starts running over**

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Baywatch Moment

Vici: Hi yayayayayayayaya! **Flying side kicks Plato in the head.**

Jemi: Love the Zena war cry.

Vici: **Dusts self off.**

Misto: **Sighs in relief**. Thank you **smooches her.**

Vici: Anyti-mmmm.

Munku: **Sitting contemplating his newfound freedom, plots whom to kill.** First that idiotic host, then the clown…

Asparagus: Um, wasn't I supposed to do something…or something?

Jerry: Yeah, no one really cares though.

Asparagus: Oh. That's all right then.

Jerry: I think a commercial is in order.

Steve: Very good grasshopper.

Jerry: Oh God.

Misto: **Dignified as he is unaware of the bright red lipstick smeared across his face.** God can't help you; we're out of His reach in here. This is a place of suffering.

Jerry: You said it man.

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Woman seated on a bench of some sort: You've probably heard a lot about Smorgasborgdufragmelators, but what do you really know? Can you trust what you've heard? Is there really a known function for Smorgasborgdufragmelators?

Man with irritating over passive voice: Smorgasborgdufragmelators are a unique product that can save thousands of lawns. Do the right thing, call now.

Woman: We're not sure what they do:

Man: But we know that they work.

That's a wrap people.

Misto: Thank Bast, how long is this thing going to go on for? Erik isn't even here; you haven't tortured him for months!

Trinity: So?

Misto: **Grumble** It's not fair.

Vici: We have that Lord of the Rings crossover.

Misto: We're not together!

Vici: Well it's better then being paired with Electra isn't it? **Paws on hips**

Misto: **Glances at queen in question.** I love you Trinity.

Trinity: **winks**

Vici: Wanna go home? **Shrugs eyebrows suggestively.**

Misto: Damn straight! Presto! **Both disappear in cloud of smoke.**

Asparagus: I still don't understand why I'm here.

Tumble: You don't want to, trust me. 


	5. The Voice

This chapter is in very bad taste and contains a very long segment many readers probably won't get…so let's call it a chapter out of time and disregard it when I decide to write more properly! 

Misto: Ever notice the strange inconsistencies in these stories? For instance, I'm not supposed to be here anymore.

Vici: **staggering and wearing a suspiciously happy look considering her whereabouts **You weren't here a second ago, ta heh heh. **Licks him. **

Misto: **Blushes furiously. **Ahem…

Tumble: Dad?

Asparagus: What?

Tumble: You called me effeminate.

Asparagus: **Sighing **yeah…

Tumble: Well why am I effeminate and Misto isn't when we do the same thing, yeah I knew what you were talking about! Uh huh! Uh huh! **Crosses arms. **

Asparagus: …Well….

Vici: Tumble…uh…Misto somehow manages to be sexy when he's doing that vaguely airy dance… And you just- welllllll.

Tumble: So I'm not sexy? Is that it?

Jemi: No, not really no.

Tumble: I'll show you the MEANING of sexy! **Stands up and points at the control dude with a wink, "Bad to the Bone" starts blaring from the speakers. Tumble, in effort to dance to it perfectly mimics the movements of a FEMALE stripper and consequently looks very, very, very Tugger-esque. (I'm going to catch it for that one aren't I?)**

Tugger: Dude! Trinity that was low! I have never in my whole life, **waving paw loosely **looked like that. **Flops his paw in Tumbles direction.**

Trinity: **snickers and starts to cackle **

Tumble: **Touching himself as though he had boobs **Yeah, mmm, I'm too sexy for my…I don't have a shirt…

Plato: **Waking up from being booted to the head **And that song isn't playing either buddy, but hey, don't let that stop you!

Tumble: Yeah, rock on brother! …Rock on? Oh Heaviside.

Cassie: **Bursts through a prop door that is not meant to open. **TUMBLE! 

Tumble: Eep! **Starts to run to hide behind Plato, but sees the look on his face and changes his mind, running behind Tugger instead.**

Cassie: Oh please. **Chucks Tugger across the room.**

Tumble: They were being m-m-m-mean to m-m-m-me Cassie! I h-h-h-had to-

Cassie: Embarrass yourself in front of most of the English speaking world? Announce our engagement without me? Act like a complete and utter idiotic faggot?

Misto: Uh Cassie, a faggot is a bundle of sticks…or a large meatball.

Cassie: I realize that, he's a large meatball too.  
  
Misto: Ah.

Munkustrap: **Holds up Jerry's still beating heart. **MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! JACK THE RIPPER WOULD BE PROUD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Plato: Jack the Ripper…didn't he kill women?

Vici: Yeah, fallen women like Griz…Nevermind.

Misto: **Stunned. **Really? …Wow.

Plato: What, what, what I miss?

Misto: You're sure?

Vici: **Nods solemnly.**

Misto: Damn…

Munkustrap: WHO CARES!

Demeter: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…

Munkustrap: HEY BABY! **Gets strange glint in his eyes. **WANNA BLOW OFF THESE LOSERS?

Misto: **Holding his ears. **STOP SHOUTING YOU BARBARIAN! 

Munkustrap: BARBARIAN? THAT'S RICH! HAHAHAHA.

Misto: Ahem… **gestures to Jerry.**

Jerry: Dude, I have this weird drafty feeling…

Steve: **Trying really hard not to laugh.**

Munku: I see your point. Demeter darling, I've put it behind me, it's okay I'm fine with it. Let's go home and fuck.

Vici: DADDY! **Faints**

Misto: **Picks up Vici and cradles her head. **I tried to tell them secrets were good but noooooo. **Sings quietly into Vici's ear.**

Tumble: Man humans are complicated inside…

Cassie: That is the single most disgusting thing…

Tugger: **Vomiting profusely.**

Jemi: Oh poor baby, it's okay sshhhh. 

Vici: **Hiccup **Daddy said… **hiccup**

Misto: It's all right sweet, your Dad just had some difficult news and…

Vici: Let's go home and do what Daddy said.

Misto: Uh…

Voice: **Laughing satanically**, God it sucks to be you!

Misto: I wouldn't wholly agree. **Glances at Vici.**

Voice: Oh sure, you have vague suggestiveness, have you read my fic lately?

Misto: Okay fine. Just watch it, she's fickle and you could end up dead or something.

Voice: Me? Trinity kill ME? Are you insane! I'm not the only one who's noticed that you're the only character that isn't bashed into a pulp then danced on in stiletto heels in this fic. And she's more biased to me then you! I think I'm pretty safe Misto.

Misto: I'm not…You never can tell, I am here.

Voice: Means nothing. You've got a "favorite character shield," fortunately I'm not in this fic so it doesn't apply to me, shorty.

Misto: **Sigh. **You know I'm one of the tallest Mistoffelees ever.

Voice: **Starts laughing again.** That's pitiful! That makes it even worse!

Misto: Well, since you're not in this fic, you're not shielded either.

Voice: Don't even try it. 

Misto: But then again, all I have to do is say your name and you WOULD be in this fic, wouldn't you?

Voice: I'm leaving.

Misto: No you don't!

Tumble: Who are you talking to?

Tugger: **A peculiar shade of green. **Is it gone?

Cassie: Yeah, I cleaned it up while you were barfing.

Exotica: EEK!!

Cassie: **Shrugs. **I put it somewhere no one would see it.

Voice: You should have destroyed it, bodies have a nasty habit of resurfacing when it is least convenient.

Cassie: What the…? Who's there?

Voice: Oh bother.

Misto: **Starts laughing. **

Voice: What's so funny squirt. 

Misto: YOU said 'Oh bother' **Wipes tears out of eyes. **

Voice: So what, I'm bored and out of character.

Tumble: What IS your character.

Voice: No one.

Jemi: Are you Grizabella?

Voice: **Offended** Do I SOUND like Grizabella to you?

Vici: No, but you sound familiar… 

Voice: Why I would be familiar to you, I have no idea.

Cassie: Most beautiful voice I've ever heard… Not like anything…

Voice: It's taken you this long to talk about that? Usually people go completely gooey the second I open my mouth… Gets rather tiresome actually, not that I would give up my voice.

Tumble: Well that's all you bloody are is a voice.

Voice: Not true. That's just all I choose to be right now.

Jemi: Well who are you!

Voice: No one of consequence.

Misto: That's a lie!

Voice: All right fine! I thought I was no one of consequence, but no. Apparently, I've 'touched the lives of thousands of people, conveniently teenage girls for the most part' or some such nonsense. 

Tugger: Are you giving us clues or something dude?

Voice: No, I was ranting.

Tugger: Oh.

Asparagus: Can we guess who you are?

Voice: I suppose you could…It is a free country.

Jemi: Great-

Voice: Not that I'll answer or anything.

Jemi: **Growls**

Voice: **Snickers **Ah cynicism is a beautiful thing. 

Misto: Be nice and play their game or I'll just tell them whom you are.

Voice: Fine! **Mutters in French. **

Vici: Ooo, French, sexy.

Misto: Stoppit! 

Voice: **Snickers.**

Tumble: Well we already know two things…

Voice: Do you?

Tumble: Yeah, you're a man and you're French.

Voice: Sure about that are you? **Starts speaking Russian. **

Cassie: **Speaks Russian back.** **The two begin to settle into conversation.**

Jemi: That's enough! Jeez… Answer yes or no…Voice. Are you French?

Voice: If you mean was I born in France, yes.

Vici: Oh duh! I know who it is! It's-mmf

Misto: **Smooching her.**

Tumble: You are male right?

Voice: You watch your ass fop, yes I am male. **Mutters** Uncertain if the same can be said for you…

Jemi: What kind of Cat are you?

Voice: Who has stated that I am a Cat at all?

Jemi: NOT A CAT!? How can you speak to us if you're not a cat?

Voice: I am afraid I am merely an overly perceptive human. 

Bomba: Damn, I was starting to get turned onto you.

Voice: I'm flattered, really. 

Jemi: If you're not a Cat there's no way we'll be able to guess who you are, just tell us.

Voice: Nah. Get Misto to tell you if you care so much.

Misto/Vici: **Otherwise occupied.**

Bomba: **Slaps Misto's ass.**

Misto: I thought we talked about that.

Bomba: Yeah I know, I just wanted your attention.

Misto: What?

Jemi: Voice dude says you can tell us who he is.

Voice: I resent being called 'dude'. 

Jemi: Tough.

Misto: If I say your name, you'll officially be in the fanfic.

Voice: Nope, this isn't really a chapter it's just spontaneous bad writing. So all and all, I am safe.

Misto: As if you were ever afraid of anything in your life anyway.

Voice: Am I being lectured? What is wrong with you today?

Misto: I don't know! Do you do psychiatry too?

Voice: A little.

Misto: Add that to the list, man what can't you do?

Voice: Use simplicity in any of its forms?

Misto: Sounds about right. Erik.

Erik: Now you've done it. Trinity's too tired and deranged from lack of sleep to enjoy herself. 

Misto: Oh well, her loss.

Erik: Speaking of tired…

__

Trust me, you don't want to know. 

An Apology

I sincerely apologize for the preceding, it was awful and I promise there will be no repeat of it, the next chapter will pick up where the one before this…thing left off. Tootle Pip! 


End file.
